By Stephen de Wit
“Slut, promiscuous, easy, whore, floozy, tramp, dirty, hussy, ho, loose”; take a moment, think back to the last time you used any of these words. Why did you use them? Were you happy? Were you supportive? Or were you angry and upset and used them in a damaging way? My guess would be the latter. As a society we have used individuals’ sexuality as a weapon against them. Women are often the ones who are injured by these words.
Why are they so damaging? If we look at our use of the words, they are usually used on someone who is more sexually active than we are. Does that make them a bad person? Why is someone who has lots of sex bad? It is time to reclaim and celebrate our sexuality ?
The international phenomenon that we now know as “Slut Walk” (that was proudly started in Toronto) has raised the awareness of the word “slut” and women are taking a stand for the word and their sexuality. Here the double standard wall of sexual acceptability between men and women is crumbling. I once heard that a slut is a woman with the morals of a man – interesting concept to think about.
Let’s look at some other words that we use all the time, but we really don’t know their origins or their true meanings:
Masturbate – comes from the Latin “Manus Stuprare”, meaning to defile or violate with ones hand. How about trying “pleasure myself”
Intercourse – means an exchange of thoughts or feelings between two or more people. So shouldn’t sexual intercourse be the exchange of sexual thoughts or feelings between two or more people. I wish there was more sexual intercourse in the world.
Make love – really? Do you always make love? Do you always need love to have sex? Or sometimes do you want to #$*k?
Lover – again love is entangled into defining someone who you have sex with. What do you call that person? I recently came across the term “pelvic affiliate”. Try that one next time you are introducing your “lover” to your friends.
Lost your virginity – to lose something is a bad thing. To gain something is a good thing. How about “gained sexual knowledge”, or “gained sexual freedom”?
Giving orgasm – I often hear my partner “gave me an orgasm” or my partner “didn’t give me an orgasm”. Since when is your orgasm someone else’s responsibility? If your partner is “giving” it to you whose orgasm is it?
Penetration – how about engulfment?
These are just a few ideas to think about and see if they work for you. Our language is woefully lacking in words and terminology that accurately captures and expresses the complexities of what sex is, how we feel about it and what it means to us. I encourage you to find words that work for you, or make new ones up.
Take ownership of your sex life by choosing carefully the words you use to describe yourself sexually. Be careful of the words you use to express your anger because in someone’s eyes even you are a slut.
There is no right way. There is no wrong way. There is just your way and that is OK!
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.
