By Stephen de Wit
With this article I am planning on single-handedly dismantling the story lines of many a blockbuster movie and the plots of many books. The way to find the world’s best lover is…are you ready? By a show of hands who wants to find the world’ best lover? Yes, I am serious. Raise your hand. It’s you! That’s it! You found her!
For centuries women have gushed over men with whom they have had great sexual connection. I hear things like “he made me cum”, “he gave me so many orgasms”, “he is the best lover I have ever had”. Wrong. You are in control, you made yourself cum, you shared your orgasm with him, you allowed yourself to connect with a lover on a sexual level. I always laugh at the line “he gave me an orgasm”. If I could give orgasms I would wrap them up and give them out as gifts to all the women I know. Think about it if men are giving you the orgasm then whose orgasm is it?
It is time for you to take control and ownership for your body, your sexuality your orgasms and I guarantee you will have found the worlds’ best lover. First, learn about your body, touch yourself, pleasure yourself…yes touch your crotch find out what feels good, what feels great and what feels not so good. Do this by yourself. It is easy to associate newly found good feelings with the person who happens to be there when they occur. This then leads to giving the power to the other person. Wrong. You have the power.
Each woman is different, there is no one technique, position, trick, toy, lube, location, scent, word, or taste that works all the time for all women. So it is your responsibility to find out what works for you. And then educate the lovers in your life. I often come across women who say I don’t want to tell him what to do I just want him to know. Seriously, when else would you take this approach in life? Finding a job, buying a car, decorating a room? Uhh, I am not going to be clear about what I want in a job, not going to tell the sales person what kind of car and features I like and not going to tell the interior decorator what colour scheme I like. So you end up working as a professional pooper scooper, driving a 1972 Pinto and living in a Zebra painted room (no offence if you are a Pinto driving pooper scooper who lives in the zoo). The myth that sex should come naturally and to show and teach someone how to do something is unromantic, ruins the moment, is too clinical and calculating is false. Asking questions, being open about uncertainty, explaining and teaching can be an intimate and pleasurable part of your sex and ultimately will lead to better sex. Men need help. We need direction! Please give it to us.
As a child growing up you may have received negative messages about pleasuring yourself i.e. “good girls don’t do that”, “don’t touch yourself down there”, “that is dirty”. So it is no wonder that women have difficulty connecting sexually with themselves which is the first part and second communicating that to partners. My question to you is do you want to be a “good girl” or do you want to be a woman who knows what she wants and be sexually confident. Take care of “down there” and you and your lovers will be thankful.
Remember we are all experts in our own experience. You are your own best lover. There is no right way, there is no wrong way. There is just your way and it’s ok. Take the time to figure out your way and then share it!
Stephen de Wit
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.
