He doesn’t love me anymore! He is cheating on me. He has an STI. He is addicted to porn. I am not attractive enough. Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me? Many women have had these questions eat up their head space while they desperately try to recreate the sexual connection they once had with their partner. A sexual connection with someone is very important – no one is denying that. However, the pressure that we put on each other to maintain that level of intimacy, intensity and interaction in and of itself can choke out the very thing we desire.
So what do you do when your man does not want the sex that you once had, the frequency, the type, the duration? What do you do? Let’s first start off with what you do not do, as these common pitfalls often make the problem worse. Please do not let your imagination get the better of you. The evolution of someone’s sexual appetite is natural and normal. We have been made to believe that sex is static but really it is part of the fluid evolution of a person. We will all change and evolve. What turns us on today may change in a month, or a year or tomorrow. What is important is to be able to grow and change with your partner. Seek to understand what is going on for them before expressing your desire to be understood.
Let’s face it sex is a sensitive subject. No one likes to hear that they are not satisfying their partner’s expectations. But the reality is between two people there are often times of uneven sexual desire. What does this mean? Well it means that you and your partner are human. We are not sex robots that are programmed to have amazing sex all the time. It means that there is an opportunity to build understanding and intimacy in the relationship, to really understand what is going on for your partner.
The social script that we read and act out says that men should always want sex, should always be able to get and achieve erections and should be able to satisfy their partners. Well I hate to break it to you…this is not the case. I can speak from personal experience and from talking to many men, there are times that we do not want sex, and there will be times that our erections do not occur on command nor do they last as long or as hard as we (or our partners) would like.
Why is that? So the easy answer is that there is no easy answer. What I often encourage people to think about is their alignment of the head, heart and crotch. If one of those is out of alignment then there could be a change in your partner’s sexual pattern.
So what to do? Hey here is a surprise if you have read any of my previous articles: talk about it! Forget about what you think sex should be or what it was. Too often I find people trying to recreate a past sexual encounter with someone. Hey guess what? You won’t get it. It is like trying to catch a Unicorn. What I encourage people to do is to forget about the past, look to the future and create something new, something different, something better. Don’t look back, look forward.
Second suggestion I give to people is to expand their idea of what sex is. If sex to you has meant penetrative penis/vagina sex until orgasm with a little oral foreplay, you may want to explore other ways of sexually connecting with your partner. I recommend including your partner in this process. Do not go out and buy a sex book and then surprise them by try something new. Talk to them about it and have them pick out a book with you. You must connect with your partner from the beginning. It is important to develop a feeling of a new adventure, exploring and expanding your sex lives rather than “fixing” it. Remember nothing is broken it is just evolving. Remember there is no right way, no wrong way there is just your way and that is OK!
Stephen de Wit
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.
