How many times a week/month should I/we be having sex? This question has been asked again and again and again. And there is no right answer. The mathematics of sex do not necessarily equal good sex. What happened if you were having the ideal amount of sex for you, let’s say twice a day but you were not having it with the person that you wanted to be having it with. And it wasn’t the type of sex you wanted? Maybe you wanted a slower more sensuous connection and the sex that you are having is reminiscent of lions mating on the Serengeti “wham bam, thank you mam” with a little neck biting anyone? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZALRxsbCYj4.
There are three components to being sexually wealthy and thus three questions to ask yourself:
1). Are you having sex with the person/people you want to have sex with?
2). Are you having the type of sex that you want?
3). Are you having it when you want?
Question number one is pretty straight forward, but let’s do a little work here anyways. The person you may want to have sex with could be your partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, your gardener, yourself, your co-worker, a class mate, or the person sitting across from you right now. Some of the previously mentioned people may be more socially acceptable for you to be having sex with than others. But remember this is not about what is socially acceptable, this is about you. So throw caution to the wind and be honest with yourself. Are you having sex with the person/people you want to have sex with? Give yourself a score out of 10 (one being never and 10 being always): Write it down.
Question number two – Are you having the type of sex that you want? Here things can get a little more complicated. The “type” can be broken down into what the act of sex is communicating i.e. love, passion, anger, healing etc. It can also be seen as the actual physical acts that take place within a sexual interaction i.e. hair pulling, kissing, spanking, cuddling, caressing. Or it can be the adjective that describes the act long, rough, slow, hard, fast, quick. All three of these factors can be all interrelated and are all personal and unique to you and they vary with your mood, energy level and a host of other factors. Looking at things overall. Are you having the type of sex that you want?
Give yourself a score out of 10 (1 being never and 10 be always).
And finally, question number three, are you having sex when you want? Give yourself a score out of 10 (1 being never and 10 be always): Write it down.
Now add up your score and divide it by 30 and multiply it by 10 you will have your Sexual Wealth Quotient (SWQ). For example if you gave yourself a 7/10 for question number one and 5/10 for question number two and a 3/10 for the third question number your total would be 15 and then divide that by 30 will give you 0.5 and multiplying that by 10 will give you 5. (your scores will be different and there may be decimals involved, just put it on the scale)
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SEXUAL POVERTY______________________SEXUALLY WEALTH
You have calculated your SWQ. Take a good look at that number, ask yourself what would you have to do to increase your score one point? No, not what your partner would have to do. Not that you would have to find a partner first. What would you have to do? If that question is difficult or frustrating for you, you are in the perfect place. I encourage you to do this exercise every month, just to monitor how sexually wealthy you are. Put it in your smart phone now and put it on repeat every month.
And remember, when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is just your way.
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.