Ahoy matey, I be needin’ to give a go’ somethin’ kinky – that is “pirate speak” for “hey there, I want to try something kinky”.
When exploring sexually uncharted waters there are a few quick steps you can follow to avoid things going south (not in the good way). Unfortunately, porn has become the default sex education. So we watch something online and then think that we know it all and try it and things do not go as planned. Porn is great for entertainment but not for education, porn is designed to arouse but many behind the scenes preparation, sanitation and just plain boring scenes are left on the editing room floor.
If you are not going to learn from porn how do you go about trying something new, you may be asking yourself?
There are four steps that I recommend to people:
Step One – Conversation, it is that simple. What you would like or wouldn’t like? Go through the W5, who, what, when, where, why? Who would do what to whom? What would be done (discuss boundaries). When would this take place? Where would we do it (you can switch up the location to make it different). Why do you want to try this, what are your goals? If you are having difficulty even beginning this conversation read a past article.
Step Two – Education, do research, read books, find people who are experts in that particular area, ask lots of questions, chat with a sexologist, and always communicate with your partner.
Step Three – Observation, open your eyes, watch online (imagine yourself or your partner as one of the actors) how do you feel? Again porn is for entertainment and not education or how too. If you have the opportunity to watch live explore that as well. Always communicate with your partner.
Step Four – Participation, go slow, take baby steps, you do not have to do it all at once. Break it down into simpler steps. Always communicate with your partner.
It is important to remember that at any step along the way if either partner is uncomfortable, stop, discuss and make a decision whether you will continue or not. There is a smorgasbord of things to try and ways to express yourself sexually. Finding what works for you and your partner can be fun, exciting and pleasurable.
So cast off the line and explore new shores mates!
And remember, when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way there is just your way.
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.