Let’s face it, bad sex sucks! There are no two ways about it. You know that awkward, uncomfortable feeling that comes over you afterwards. You know it was bad. Your partner knows it was bad, but you don’t want to say anything to offend your partner. So you just pretend everything is normal. That is until you leave or they leave and then you replay it in your head and cringe, laugh or a combination of the two.
So why do we have bad sex? The answer is at our fingertips. We all have a sexual fingerprint. What is that you may ask? Just like our fingerprints on the pads of our fingers are unique identifiers (that is why the police take them when we have been bad), our sexual fingerprint is our own unique sexual identity that is different from everyone on the planet. So with each of your partners coming to the table (or the bedroom, or the floor, or the shower) with a unique sexual fingerprint you are bound to be incompatible with a few.
One’s sexual fingerprint can be made up of many different factors from how you were raised and taught about sex by your family, sexual education classes, religion, past experiences, past trauma, habits, norms, turn-ons, turn-offs, fetishes, books you read, movies you watch, products you buy, kinks, body image, head space, other things going on in the relationship and the list goes on and on. When you meet someone for all those factors (or a majority) to line up can be a bit of a hit and miss.
But what about people who are in long-term relationships? People often speak about the sex going from phenomenal to failure. There can be a number of reasons for this. The most common are that initially you had the excitement and emotion tied up with sex and things were new and exploring together was an adventure, after a while that naturally tapers off. Secondly, is that we evolve sexually, so what does it for you today may not do it for you in a year, or a month or a week or even tomorrow! Now multiply that by two (or however many partners you have) and that can be a recipe for bad sex.
I was recently talking with a friend and she shared that when her and her partner first were together the sex was amazing and exciting and they explored and experimented and now the biggest turn on for her, the thing that would get her in the mood for hot sex, would be her partner doing the dishes. This is just one example of how relationships evolve. To have or to maintain sexual compatibility with someone takes work.
Chances are if you have had sex you have had bad sex, and if you continue to have sex you will have bad sex again. It doesn’t matter who you have sex with or how you choose to express yourself sexually, if you are gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual we have all had bad sex and it sucks! For more about bad sex I invite you to visit http://www.BadSexSucks.com read some stories, leave some stories and have a laugh or two.
Remember there is no right way. There is no wrong way. There is just your way and that is ok.
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.