Have you ever heard yourself saying:
Why don’t we have sex like we used to?
He doesn’t want to have sex as often.
I feel like she is doing it because she has too.
What can I do to improve our sex life?
If these thoughts have ever run through your head or are running through your head right now you are in good company. These are just a few of the most common questions that I hear as a sexologist. One of the most powerful ways of creating the sex life that you want is to start looking at sex as a symptom of what is going on in the relationship overall. When the sex is good generally speaking the relationship is good. When sex is bad usually there is something going on in the relationship that isn’t working.
I had a client who was confused and unhappy with his sex life. For the first year of his marriage the sex was great and in the last three months things had tapered off and he felt that his partner was only having sex because he wanted it not because she got any enjoyment out of it.
I asked him if anything happened three months ago. He confessed that he had promised his wife that he would stop smoking and a month later she caught him smoking. Again, he promised that he would quit and again a month later she caught him smoking. Where the link between smoking and sex may not be readily apparent the break in trust is. He could see that because he had lied to his wife and she had caught him in the lie twice the trust has been damaged and trust is a fundamental component of her connecting sexually with him.
In the above situation it was the relationship and trust that needed work not specifically the sex. Sex happens between the ears long before it happens between the legs so if she is thinking he can’t be trusted the sex is going to suffer. If you find yourself wondering why your sex life is not where it once was, ask yourself the following questions:
- When did you notice that things were not working?
- What was happening in the relationship at that time?
- Was there an impact on either person at that time?
- Was the issue resolved?
Start there. Do some detective work and if possible include your partner in figuring out where the relationship needs work. Once the relationship is repaired the sex usually gets back on track. And if it doesn’t stay tuned for next month’s article.
Remember, when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is just your way.
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist. Stephen helps people discover and create the sex life they have always wanted. He is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.