By Dr. Stephen de Wit
What is the sexiest thing about a woman? What do men want? How can I turn my partner on? These questions are a staple of my life as a sexologist and seem to be permanently tattooed on the inner walls of women’s minds, and for good reason. The answer is not something easy to obtain, it is not something on your body that can be augmented or reduced, it is not a particular sexual skill or technique that you can learn at a how-to workshop. The answer to these questions that comes back time and time and time again is confidence. If you are confident in who you are as a sexual woman you can rock anything and any partner’s world. It is by far the most common attribute that people find attractive. It is not a perfect body (whatever perfect is), it is not the fact that you can deep throat or any other sexual skill that you posses. It is simply confidence.
But let’s be honest it is not that simple, it is a fairly ambiguous answer and can sometimes be frightening because that means the work that needs to be done is not an external pill, potion or position. This is something that you need to work on internally.
So let’s go there for a second, what exactly is it to have confidence? What does it look like? How does one build it? How does one express it? Recently, I have been researching and working on developing a deeper understanding of what I call Sexual Self Confidence (SSC). I have come up with three steps to building SSC (get your pens out and ready to write):
Step One – Developing Sexual Self Awareness (SSA) – most of us have never really given any thought to who we are sexually and why we are that way. It just is the way we are. It can be scary to shine a bright light into those unknown areas. Having grown up in today’s day and age our sexuality has been cultivated into who we are supposed to be. Take some time to think about why you like the things you like, why you don’t like the things you don’t like, what you are curious about and why you are curious about them. Write these answers down somewhere private. Remember this is an exercise, suspend judgement, this is a safe space. Just write.
Step Two – Developing Sexual Self Esteem (SSE) – learn to love and accept yourself for who you are. Another common question is, “Am I normal? The quick answer is “yes”. If you harbour fear, shame, guilt about some part of your sexuality this will hinder your ability to build SSC. So get over it and love yourself. I know from both personal and professional experience that this can be the most difficult part and the most rewarding.
Step Three – Developing Sexual Self Expression (SSEx) – sharing with people. This can be done through direct verbal communication, body language and/or how you dress. This is what people pick up on when they say “wow, she is confident”. Often women will just focus on this last step and miss out on the first two steps in creating authentic sexual self-confidence.
People are often looking for the perfect sexual relationship with a partner. The key to great sex is first developing that relationship with yourself. I encourage you to spend some time thinking about these steps.
Remember, when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is just your way.
Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want. He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach. For more information visit www.drdewit.com.