Sure it is kind of strange for a sexologist to be saying forget about your sex life.  Shouldn’t I be saying have more sex?  Probably, but I rarely do what I’m supposed to do…it keeps life interesting.  In an effort to get people to look at how they relate to their partners differently, changing the focus from sex to eroticism is often the shift that is necessary.

Often people will allow sex to degenerate into a conversation about numbers.  How many times a week did you have sex? When was the last time you had sex? How many orgasms did you have? How many times did you “go at it” in a night?  How many hours or minutes did it last? Two people will have different opinions on what the numbers should be.  This clip from the Woody Allen movie “Annie Hall” demonstrates this perfectly – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFz2csc9qew.

When did mathematics become part of sex?  What happened to having fun?  Animals can have sex.  Eroticism is purely a human experience why not enjoy it?  90 per cent of sex happens in your mind, the other 10 per cent happens in your brain. Why not play with it?  You want to feel alive, you want to feel connected, you want to have fun. Then play a little.

Sexual play inhabits a space between reality and fantasy.  It can be a space where you suspend your self-awareness, your self-consciousness, your obsession with outcomes, your fear of judgement.  In a time when our minds are filled with seriousness our bodies can be a playground to enjoy, explore and experiment.

There are multiple benefits to erotic play:

–       Reduce stress

–       Increase joy

–       Stimulate creativity

–       Safe opportunity to take risks

–       Increase energy levels

You can probably add a few more of your own to the list.

But where is the time? You may be asking yourself.  It seems like life is fast as it is and only speeding up.  How does one take time to play?  Answer: Make time for it.  And again you may think “Uggg”, scheduling time for sex that seems so contrived.  What happened to the spontaneity of sex.  I will tell you what happened to it…life happened. Try on for a second, looking at scheduling as an opportunity to create something playful, new and exciting.  And with that in mind, what I have recommended to couples is setting up new email addresses that you share only with your partner (you don’t want your spam getting in the way of your sex).  The two of you have a scheduled time for sex, but leading up to it you exchange emails of what you want to do, how you are going to do it, what you are going to wear, what you want your partner to do and the list can go on and one.  Playing and building the erotic charge before the scheduled time will increase the enjoyment and excitement of the moment.

Playing is for adults too!

Remember when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way, there is just your way.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

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