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January 2017

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Kinky Sex: Steps to Exploring Uncharted Waters

Ahoy matey, I be needin’ to give a go’ somethin’ kinky – that is “pirate speak” for “hey there, I want to try something kinky”.

When exploring sexually uncharted waters there are a few quick steps you can follow to avoid things going south (not in the good way).  Unfortunately, porn has become the default sex education.  So we watch something online and then think that we know it all and try it and things do not go as planned.  Porn is great for entertainment but not for education, porn is designed to arouse but many behind the scenes preparation, sanitation and just plain boring scenes are left on the editing room floor.

If you are not going to learn from porn how do you go about trying something new, you may be asking yourself?

There are four steps that I recommend to people:

1) Conversation

2) Education

3) Observation

4) Participation

Step One – Conversation, it is that simple.  What you would like or wouldn’t like?  Go through the W5, who, what, when, where, why?  Who would do what to whom? What would be done (discuss boundaries).  When would this take place? Where would we do it (you can switch up the location to make it different).  Why do you want to try this, what  are your goals?  If you are having difficulty even beginning this conversation read a past article.

Step Two – Education, do research, read books, find people who are experts in that particular area, ask lots of questions, chat with a sexologist, and always communicate with your partner.

Step Three – Observation, open your eyes, watch online (imagine yourself or your partner as one of the actors) how do you feel? Again porn is for entertainment and not education or how too.  If you have the opportunity to watch live explore that as well.  Always communicate with your partner.

Step Four – Participation, go slow, take baby steps, you do not have to do it all at once.  Break it down into simpler steps. Always communicate with your partner.

It is important to remember that at any step along the way if either partner is uncomfortable, stop, discuss and make a decision whether you will continue or not.  There is a smorgasbord of things to try and ways to express yourself sexually.  Finding what works for you and your partner can be fun, exciting and pleasurable.

So cast off the line and explore new shores mates!

And remember, when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way there is just your way.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

Just Say No…To Sex?

That doesn’t quite sound right coming from a sexologist!  Don’t we all love sex?  Don’t we all want more sex? Yes!  But we want great sex!  More bad sex is not something that most sane people desire.  Let’s face it bad sex sucks!  You may be asking yourself, how could saying “yes” to sex make it worse?  Doesn’t practice make perfect?

If you are not feeling it say so, say no!  Now you may be sitting there and thinking aww, jeez that is easy I already do that.  The “I have a headache excuse” has been the bane of men’s existence that has reverberated through time.  It is easy to say “no” which is the first part but to gain access to great sex you can’t just say no and roll over and go to sleep.  The hard part is developing the ability to know why you said no.

Sex for many of us is not something that we are comfortable with talking about or even thinking about beyond the fact that we want it and we want it now and that is the end of that.  Rarely do we take the time to think of why we want it and why we want it at that time.  If we struggle with developing the self awareness of why we actually want sex when we want it, it is that much more challenging to think (let alone communicate) about why we don’t want sex.  So with the goal of great sex in mind, how do we do it?

Sex is a great indicator of the health of a relationship.  Too often we get into the same old habit of sexually relating to our partners in a particular way.  We don’t look at things critically and just go through the motions.  Additionally, there can be a certain proprietary interest within the relationship that has evolved.  The “well I am in a relationship now so I can have sex whenever I want” mentality can leave us taking our partners for granted and vice versa.  Remember consent is something that can always be given and taken away at any time in any relationship.

When working with people through this issue, I often will invite people to make a list of why they want to have sex, when things are good.  A typical list could look like:

I feel like having sex when…

–       I feel appreciated

–       I find my partner attractive

–       We are not arguing

–       They are pulling their weight in the relationship

–       I have energy

–       The kids are away

–       I feel sexy

–       We are going to try something new

You get the idea.  The list can be as long and as creative as you want with honesty being the core theme.  Then take a good hard look at the list.  Then ask yourself, what is not there?  What is frustrating you?  Then start writing about that.  Get clear on that.  So we are now clear on what has worked and what is currently not working. Now the tough part, how do we tell our partner?

This may be an awkward and uncomfortable conversation…but have it.  Get good at them and your sex and relationship will be that much better.  Start off with being honest, you may start with, “Hey, this is a bit awkward for me to talk to you about and I am taking a risk sharing with you, but I love having great sex with you and it is important for me to let you know what is going on for me. Is it all right for us to talk now?”  You are being honest (it is awkward and risky), you reframe into a positive state (wanting great sex), let them know it is important and empower your partner by asking if now is a good time to talk.  Then say what you have to say. Then allow them to share.

Again this may be uncomfortable but it is honest and when you can communicate honestly with your partner about sex they can understand, appreciate, and love you for who you really are.

Remember there is no right way there is no wrong way there is just your way and that is ok.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

The Man, the Myth and His Penis

“It’s a foot long, hard as a rock and will knock your socks off”  – the myth of the penis.  Men and women have come to expect so much from this organ that when it does not “perform” up to its expected proficiency there is great weeping and gnashing of teeth. Well maybe not weeping and gnashing but some serious anxiety usually results.

As an adolescent the issue is not getting it up but rather keeping it down.  Erections pop up at the most inopportune and inappropriate times.  Ask any guy you know and he has an embarrassing story or three to tell you.  It is like an over eager pet that constantly wants to play always nudging up against your leg.  It always wants to come out and play.  And don’t get me wrong, fun it will have.  The orgasms are intense, the force is explosive and the pressure is immense. And then a few minutes later it wants to play again.  If you don’t want to play, guess what it waits till you are asleep and then plays by itself.  I remember always feeling cheated that I had to clean up the mess but didn’t get to enjoy the fun.

But from adolescence on, never again will it be so willing to come out and play.  There is a tapering off of hardness, orgasmic intensity and the insistent need.

Into midlife men often notice an increased need of physical stimulation for an erection to occur and that erection may be more like the Leaning Tower of Pisa than the Eiffel Tower.  It may be easier to lose the hardness and once lost hardness may be more difficult to regain.  Ejaculation is less powerful and less copious.

So what does this mean?  It means that you are normal.  And when I say normal I mean “statistically normative” there will always be men who do not experience the above life cycle at the above rate or order.

The penis has been the center of man’s sexual universe since he was born.  What happens when it doesn’t respond the way it does.  For some men it feels like their universe is imploding and there is nothing that can be done.  However, just because the penis may become less efficient the penis and the rest of the body never lose their capacity to give and receive pleasure.  What you have now, or what you see in porn, may not be what you have forever.

So what is the solution? Learning, growing and understanding with your partner.  There may be a cause, certain medical conditions, alcohol, drugs and emotional factors can all impact the behaviour of the penis.  Do not make your man wrong.  I guarantee you he is going through enough internal turmoil himself.  Many people will turn to a pill to sort out their problems.  I would encourage you to explore the cause of the changes rather than treating the change itself.  Or ask the question what does his penis need or what is it not getting?

I have heard women talk about how sexy they are and how they take care of themselves and they don’t understand why their partner can’t get hard.  Please remember, it is not about you and as much as we try to pretend that we are sex machines we are really , frail and vulnerable, just like our penises.  And that’s the hard facts.

Remember when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way.  There is just your way and it’s ok.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.