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December 2016

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Bad Sex Sucks

Let’s face it, bad sex sucks!  There are no two ways about it.  You know that awkward, uncomfortable feeling that comes over you afterwards.  You know it was bad.  Your partner knows it was bad, but you don’t want to say anything to offend your partner.  So you just pretend everything is normal. That is until you leave or they leave and then you replay it in your head and cringe, laugh or a combination of the two.

So why do we have bad sex?  The answer is at our fingertips.  We all have a sexual fingerprint.  What is that you may ask?  Just like our fingerprints on the pads of our fingers are unique identifiers (that is why the police take them when we have been bad),  our sexual fingerprint is our own unique sexual identity that is different from everyone on the planet.  So with each of your partners coming to the table (or the bedroom, or the floor, or the shower) with a unique sexual fingerprint you are bound to be incompatible with a few.

One’s sexual fingerprint can be made up of many different factors from how you were raised and taught about sex by your family, sexual education classes, religion, past experiences, past trauma, habits, norms, turn-ons, turn-offs, fetishes, books you read, movies you watch, products you buy, kinks, body image, head space, other things going on in the relationship and the list goes on and on.  When you meet someone for all those factors (or a majority) to line up can be a bit of a hit and miss.

But what about people who are in long-term relationships? People often speak about the sex going from phenomenal to failure.  There can be a number of reasons for this.  The most common are that initially you had the excitement and emotion tied up with sex and things were new and exploring together was an adventure, after a while that naturally tapers off.  Secondly, is that we evolve sexually, so what does it for you today may not do it for you in a year, or a month or a week or even tomorrow!  Now multiply that by two (or however many partners you have) and that can be a recipe for bad sex.

I was recently talking with a friend and she shared that when her and her partner first were together the sex was amazing and exciting and they explored and experimented and now the biggest turn on for her, the thing that would get her in the mood for hot sex, would be her partner doing the dishes.  This is just one example of how relationships evolve. To have or to maintain sexual compatibility with someone takes work.

Chances are if you have had sex you have had bad sex, and if you continue to have sex you will have bad sex again.  It doesn’t matter who you have sex with or how you choose to express yourself sexually, if you are gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual we have all had bad sex and it sucks!  For more about bad sex I invite you to visit http://www.BadSexSucks.com read some stories, leave some stories and have a laugh or two.

Remember there is no right way.  There is no wrong way.  There is just your way and that is ok.

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

My Man Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

He doesn’t love me anymore!  He is cheating on me.  He has an STI. He is addicted to porn. I am not attractive enough.  Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?  Many women have had these questions eat up their head space while they desperately try to recreate the sexual connection they once had with their partner. A sexual connection with someone is very important – no one is denying that.  However, the pressure that we put on each other to maintain that level of intimacy, intensity and interaction in and of itself can choke out the very thing we desire.

So what do you do when your man does not want the sex that you once had, the frequency, the type, the duration?  What do you do?  Let’s first start off with what you do not do, as these common pitfalls often make the problem worse.  Please do not let your imagination get the better of you.  The evolution of someone’s sexual appetite is natural and normal.  We have been made to believe that sex is static but really it is part of the fluid evolution of a person.  We will all change and evolve.  What turns us on today may change in a month, or a year or tomorrow.  What is important is to be able to grow and change with your partner.  Seek to understand what is going on for them before expressing your desire to be understood.

Let’s face it sex is a sensitive subject.  No one likes to hear that they are not satisfying their partner’s expectations.  But the reality is between two people there are often times of uneven sexual desire.  What does this mean?  Well it means that you and your partner are human.  We are not sex robots that are programmed to have amazing sex all the time.  It means that there is an opportunity to build understanding and intimacy in the relationship, to really understand what is going on for your partner.

The social script that we read and act out says that men should always want sex, should always be able to get and achieve erections and should be able to satisfy their partners.  Well I hate to break it to you…this is not the case.  I can speak from personal experience and from talking to many men, there are times that we do not want sex, and there will be times that our erections do not occur on command nor do they last as long or as hard as we (or our partners) would like.

Why is that?  So the easy answer is that there is no easy answer.  What I often encourage people to think about is their alignment of the head, heart and crotch.  If one of those is out of alignment then there could be a change in your partner’s sexual pattern.

So what to do? Hey here is a surprise if you have read any of my previous articles: talk about it!  Forget about what you think sex should be or what it was.  Too often I find people trying to recreate a past sexual encounter with someone.  Hey guess what?  You won’t get it.  It is like trying to catch a Unicorn.  What I encourage people to do is to forget about the past, look to the future and create something new, something different, something better.  Don’t look back, look forward.

Second suggestion I give to people is to expand their idea of what sex is.  If sex to you has meant penetrative penis/vagina sex until orgasm with a little oral foreplay, you may want to explore other ways of sexually connecting with your partner.  I recommend including your partner in this process.  Do not go out and buy a sex book and then surprise them by try something new.  Talk to them about it and have them pick out a book with you.  You must connect with your partner from the beginning.  It is important to develop a feeling of a new adventure, exploring and expanding your sex lives rather than “fixing” it.  Remember nothing is broken it is just evolving.  Remember there is no right way, no wrong way there is just your way and that is OK!

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

The Powerful and Provocative Sexualization of Words: Slut, Easy, Whore, Loose

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By Stephen de Wit

“Slut, promiscuous, easy, whore, floozy, tramp, dirty, hussy, ho, loose”; take a moment, think back to the last time you used any of these words.  Why did you use them?  Were you happy?  Were you supportive?  Or were you angry and upset and used them in a damaging way?  My guess would be the latter.  As a society we have used individuals’ sexuality as a weapon against them.  Women are often the ones who are injured by these words.

Why are they so damaging?  If we look at our use of the words, they are usually used on someone who is more sexually active than we are. Does that make them a bad person?  Why is someone who has lots of sex bad? It is time to reclaim and celebrate our sexuality.

The international phenomenon that we now know as “Slut Walk” (that was proudly started in Toronto) has raised the awareness of the word “slut” and women are taking a stand for the word and their sexuality.  Here the double standard wall of sexual acceptability between men and women is crumbling.  I once heard that a slut is a woman with the morals of a man – interesting concept to think about.

Let’s look at some other words that we use all the time, but we really don’t know their origins or their true meanings:

Masturbate – comes from the Latin “Manus Stuprare”, meaning to defile or violate with ones hand.  How about trying “pleasure myself”

Intercourse – means an exchange of thoughts or feelings between two or more people.  So shouldn’t sexual intercourse be the exchange of sexual thoughts or feelings between two or more people. I wish there was more sexual intercourse in the world.

Make love – really?  Do you always make love?  Do you always need love to have sex?  Or sometimes do you want to #$*k?

Lover – again love is entangled into defining someone who you have sex with.  What do you call that person?  I recently came across the term “pelvic affiliate”.  Try that one next time you are introducing your “lover” to your friends.

Lost your virginity – to lose something is a bad thing.  To gain something is a good thing.  How about “gained sexual knowledge”, or “gained sexual freedom”?

Giving orgasm – I often hear my partner “gave me an orgasm” or my partner “didn’t give me an orgasm”.  Since when is your orgasm someone else’s responsibility?  If your partner is “giving” it to you whose orgasm is it?

Penetration – how about engulfment?

These are just a few ideas to think about and see if they work for you.  Our language is woefully lacking in words and terminology that accurately captures and expresses the complexities of what sex is, how we feel about it and what it means to us.  I encourage you to find words that work for you, or make new ones up.

Take ownership of your sex life by choosing carefully the words you use to describe yourself sexually.  Be careful of the words you use to express your anger because in someone’s eyes even you are a slut.

There is no right way.  There is no wrong way.  There is just your way and that is OK!

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

“I Caught Him!”: Watching Porn

By Stephen de Wit

You come home from work early.  You wake up to get a drink of water.  You are using his laptop.  And you find out he is cheating on you, not with another woman, but with porn!  Your brain kicks into overdrive. I am not good enough, he does not think I am sexy, I do not satisfy him sexually, he is a pervert, he is addicted to porn! STOP!  Over the years many women have approached me with this concern.  I do my best to listen to their fears and insecurities and provide them with reassurances and some tools to move forward.

The most common question is why?  I love this question as it is impossible for me to answer.  Many people come to me as a sexologist and ask me questions about their partner.  News flash, your partner is not here so I cannot tell you why he watches porn, wants to spank you, likes dressing up a chicken before you have sex, sucks your toes etc.  What I can do is help you understand how it impacts you.  Sex is a unique expression of oneself it can change with each partner and with each experience.  Let me pull from my professional and personal experience of why men watch porn when in relationships, in an effort to normalize it and make it easier to for you to talk to him about it.

1)  It is a private fantasy, different from his current sexual reality.  Please note, I did not say better but different.  You know that thing that you think about when you are alone bringing yourself pleasure – ya that one – well he has just found his online.

2)  It is faster and takes less energy.  There is nothing wrong with this, it’s just a reality of our busy lives.  He knows what he wants, when he wants it and the pressure, pace and presence of mind to take him where he wants to go.

3)  He is curious.  With the proliferation online porn there is vast access to different ways people express themselves sexually.  He may want to know what it looks like and possibly, if you don’t make him wrong for it, share his curiosity with you.

4)  Just for the sheer physical release of it.  There is no emotional, psychological, spiritual connection.  And there are no pressures or expectations from a partner.

Do not get me wrong I am not saying that all porn is good.  Like all things there is bad porn and good porn but that lies in the eyes of the beholder.  Sure the “Porn Prophecies” as I like to call them, be better, bigger, longer, harder, tighter, fitter with a hyper focus on spectacular genital friction can skew our expectation of ourselves and others.  However, the vast majority of porn is of consenting, enthusiastic people doing things they really enjoy.  And if you like it and it turns you on great!

So what do you do?  Get curious!  Seek to understand why your partner watches porn before you seek to have your partner understand how that makes you feel.  You will be surprised at how developing an understanding of your partner’s motivation can change the way you feel.  Most often it will have less to do with you and more to do with them.  If you care about your partner wouldn’t it be a good thing to know more about them?

Get good at having awkward and uncomfortable conversations.  You know that lump you get in your throat, stomach or heart when you think about having that conversation with your partner. Yep, that one right there, well go with it.  Try, “Honey, I love it when you get turned on.  I noticed that you were looking at some interesting sites, would you be willing to talk with me about it?” And see where that goes.

Be forewarned, you may or may not like what you hear or see.  However, you will have a better understanding of your partner, yourself and your relationship.  And hey you might even find something that you like.  Do a Google search on female friendly porn on your own.  I am not sure what that is as what turns one woman on will be completely different from the next but it is a start.  I also recommend for those drawn more to the written erotic word Literotica http://literotica.com/stories/index.php.

So relax, porn can be a healthy part of your partner’s relationship with themself, your relationship with yourself and your relationship with each other.  It is finding what works for you.  Remember, there is no right way, no wrong way, just your way.  And hey it’s ok!

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

Hot Sexting Tips

Sexting is hot! From naughty words to saucy pics, smart phones can pack as much erotic power as our traditional battery-operated devices. And though this techno-sex behaviour is low risk in some respects (STIs, unintended pregnancy), it carries a unique set of risks with regard to personal disclosure.

Here are some tips for hotter, safer sexting:

Don’t show your face.

You’re gorgeous. But you don’t want that beautiful face attached to your super sexy body to be plastered on every social networking site around. Photos and videos can go viral and reach millions in a matter of minutes, so shoot from the neck-down.

Take close-ups.

This is a great way to keep your partner-in-sexting guessing as well as help disguise your identity. I have clients who go has far as adding fake tattoos to disguise their photos, as you can never be too cautious.

Ask first.

Sending unsolicited sexts is tantamount to harassment, so ask your flirty friend if they want your pics before you send them. Permission can be sexy, so use your imagination and be seductive and playful.

Leave something to the imagination.

If the first pic you send is a hot shot of your entire body or genitals, you leave no space for build-up and anticipation. Move gradually and make sexting about teasing, so that the grande finale is even hotter.

Clean up your room!

If you’re taking pics in your bedroom at least feign good hygiene by hiding the mess in the background. Nobody looks hot in front of a half-eaten pizza and dirty socks strewn about the room.

Don’t use emoticons.

Want to ruin a perfectly hot sext like “I want to taste you”? Add an animated winky face to expertly kill the mood.

See? You’re definitely not in the mood now thanks to that little yellow circle.

Emoticons are not sexy. Period.

Expect that the photos will be leaked.

Obviously you should only send pics to those you trust, but it’s better to err on the side of caution since sometimes our most trusted lovers can later turn into our arch nemeses. Maybe that’s a bit melodramatic, but you get the point: only send pics that wouldn’t ruin your career (or your life — more melodrama here!) if they were hacked or leaked onto the Internet.

Double-check before you send.

Most people in your contact list have no interest in seeing photos of you in various stages of undress. Ok. Maybe they are interested, but you’re likely not open to sharing these sexy photos with the whole lot of them, so be sure to double-check your sender field before you hit “Send”.

This double-check needs to be increased to a triple-check if you’re under the questionable influence of alcohol while sexting, as we all know that booze and phones can make for an explosive combination.
Dr. Jess (Jessica O’Reilly) is a sought-after sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. She maintains a private practice in Toronto and travels the world to teach workshops that promote healthy and deliciously pleasurable sex. From hosting a reality show on PlayboyTV to coordinating retreats in the sunny Caribbean, she relishes in every moment!

The Better Sex Diet

Can you eat your way to a better sex life?

Combining food with sex may sound too good to be true, but new research suggests that a little erotic nutrition may be just what the doctor ordered.

Don’t worry about shucking those oysters, as a Canadian review of 150 international studies found that a few simple spices may enhance sexual performance and satisfaction. Small amounts of saffron, the world’s most expensive spice, can be easily added to a healthy chicken curry or quick couscous dishes to improve overall sexual functioning.

Other spice rack staples like cloves, sage and nutmeg may also enhance sexual stimulation and they’re quite versatile working well with everything from healthy vegetables to rich and comforting mac n’ cheese dishes. Yum! And though the lab experiments with these three spices with rats have yet to be replicated in humans, I’m now beginning to understand why sage seems to fly off the shelves at my local grocer…somebody has been doing her research and stocking up for a rainy day!

For an oral approach to boosting your libido, you may also want to check out the muira palma plant and the maca root, which apparently help to increase desire in both men and women. Korean ginseng may also be worth a shot, as it is linked with helping to relax the smooth muscle tissue associated with erections and heightened sexual satisfaction.

If you’re looking to have a bit of fun with everyday foods, you may want to play with peppermints for their cool tingly sensation, whipped cream for the sake of its sweet, delicious mess and chocolate, which is associated with elevating your mood and improving blood flow. As if we need another excuse to eat chocolate.

But do beware of the hype and marketing around “natural” products: the finding that the traditional aphrodisiac Spanish fly (made from blister beetles) can be lethal is a reminder that “all-natural” is not necessarily synonymous with safe or healthy.

Until next time, here’s to happy and healthy eating in the name of great sex!

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Madonna True to Form: Blunt, Honest, Teary Acceptance of Billboard Women of the Year Award

Madonna was the rebel of my generation. I enjoyed her music, her style but at the age of 14 I didn’t fully grasp  the battle she forged in the music industry as a woman. I just knew she earned my respect and admiration when she produced the video for the song , “Like a Prayer” ,  using the actor Leon  to depict a Black Saint, and her kissing him on screen. In those days, that was taboo and she basically was giving the old school and racist views the finger. And I loved  her for that!  She was always pushing society’s boundaries.  Of course as I grew older from high school to university to the workforce, my exposure to racist and sexist institutions and beliefs  increased.  I came to  fully understand her  battle and her courage to always go against the status quo of the time. My respect for her only became greater, she wasn’t only a pop star,  she was a courageous woman, a fighter albeit unappreciated by some.

After listening to the video and reading the transcript of her acceptance speech at the Billboards Women of the Year Awards, and truly comprehending her personal experiences and journey my admiration is only renewed and brought to higher heights. Thank you Madonna for encouraging me by example to fight and speak up for what is wrong.

Madonna Billboard’s Women In Music Awards Speech

“I stand before you as a doormat. Oh, I mean, as a female entertainer,” Madonna said. “Thank you for acknowledging my ability to continue my career for 34 years in the face of blatant sexism and misogyny and constant bullying and relentless abuse.”

People were dying of AIDS everywhere. It wasn’t safe to be gay, it wasn’t cool to be associated with the gay community,” Madonna recalled. “It was 1979 and New York was a very scary place. In the first year I was held at gunpoint, raped on a rooftop with a knife digging into my throat and I had my apartment broken into and robbed so many times I stopped locking the door. In the years that followed, I lost almost every friend I had to AIDS or drugs or gunshots.”

In life there is no real safety except for self-belief.”

“I was of course inspired by Debbie Harry and Chrissie Hynde and Aretha Franklin, but my real muse was David Bowie. He embodied male and female spirit and that suited me just fine. He made me think there were no rules. But I was wrong. There are no rules — if you’re a boy. There are rules if you’re a girl. If you’re a girl, you have to play the game. You’re allowed to be pretty and cute and sexy. But don’t act too smart. Don’t have an opinion that’s out of line with the status quo. You are allowed to be objectified by men and dress like a slut, but don’t own your sluttiness. And do not, I repeat do not, share your own sexual fantasies with the world. Be what men want you to be, but more importantly, be what women feel comfortable with you being around other men. And finally, do not age. Because to age is a sin. You will be criticized and vilified and definitely not played on the radio.”
“I felt like the most hated person on the planet.”
“Eventually I was left alone because I married Sean Penn, and not only would he would bust a cap in your ass, but I was off the market. For a while I was not considered a threat. Years later, divorced and single — sorry Sean — I made my Erotica album and my Sex book was released. I remember being the headline of every newspaper and magazine. Everything I read about myself was damning. I was called a whore and a witch. One headline compared me to Satan. I said, ‘Wait a minute, isn’t Prince running around with fishnets and high heels and lipstick with his butt hanging out?’ Yes, he was. But he was a man.”
“This was the first time I truly understood women do not have the same freedom as men.”
“I remember wishing I had a female peer I could look to for support. Camille Paglia, the famous feminist writer, said I set women back by objectifying myself sexually. So I thought, ‘oh, if you’re a feminist, you don’t have sexuality, you deny it.’ So I said ‘fuck it. I’m a different kind of feminist. I’m a bad feminist.”
“I think the most controversial thing I have ever done is to stick around. Michael is gone. Tupac is gone. Prince is gone. Whitney is gone. Amy Winehouse is gone. David Bowie is gone. But I’m still standing. I’m one of the lucky ones and every day I count my blessings.”
“What I would like to say to all women here today is this: Women have been so oppressed for so long they believe what men have to say about them. They believe they have to back a man to get the job done. And there are some very good men worth backing, but not because they’re men — because they’re worthy. As women, we have to start appreciating our own worth and each other’s worth. Seek out strong women to befriend, to align yourself with, to learn from, to collaborate with, to be inspired by, to support, and enlightened by.”

“It’s not so much about receiving this award as it is having this opportunity to stand before you and say thank you,”
“Not only to the people who have loved and supported me along the way, you have no idea…you have no idea how much your support means,” she said, tearing up for the second time. “But to the doubters and naysayers and everyone who gave me hell and said I could not, that I would not or I must not — your resistance made me stronger, made me push harder, made me the fighter that I am today. It made me the woman that I am today. So thank you.”

 

Connect and Follow Madonna Billboard’s Women In Music Awards Speech:
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The Trump Effect (Nightmare)

The Election

Wed. Nov. 9, 2016

A day I will not easily forget. I went to bed surprised and uncertain of who would win the American presidential election and found myself waking up in a nightmare. 

My heart is broken. Pain, shock, disbelief, sadness, confusion, anger – are but only some ways to describe how I feel. I didn’t go on FB earlier today because I felt vulnerable and didn’t want to engage in a debate about sexism, racism, Islamphobia, xenophobia. Why?

America elected the most divisive candidate in recent history – Donald J. Trump.

Throughout the day, different conversations with friends were had.

A few comments:

“I’m sad”.

“I’m really scared, I woke up scared”, solemnly said by a professional, corporate-stockbroker – tie-wearing, 6’6 Black man.

“I’m feeling forlorn,” said an MBA graduate, mother of two, Black woman and one of my closest friends.

Her 19-year-old daughter, crying at various times throughout the day. It’s sad that this beautiful young woman, yet to fully experience life and the world understands the ramifications of a Trump presidency.

His platform was based on and fueled by vile bigotry, something that would not have surprised me 20 years ago but today I feel like I was punched in the stomach.  And although as a woman of colour I know that the “isms” are still alive and well, we were at the stage where actually admitting such things publicly would cause an embarrassment and forced people to keep their opinions to themselves therefore stopping them from poisoning the environment and encouraging hate. Trump has set us back.

My initial thought over Trump’s rise in this political fiasco was that it was a backlash for having a Black president for not only one but two terms. Two terms filled with blocks  to President Obama from the Republicans not because of his policies but because of his race. He has actually been one of the most successful presidents in history, but you would never think that with the comment, “Obama is the worst President in history” repeated by those who have no legitimate source,  but a sentence filled with double meaning. The double meaning translation for those who may not be versed in double speak –  he’s the worst president in history because he is Black. Of course there are people who authentically do not believe he was a good president, but they generally don’t categorize him as the worst, they will speak specifically to a policy they disagree with. Through the constant blocks , he handled himself with grace, pride and class. “When they go low, we go high”. Trump the antithesis to such character.

Trump has set us back.

Make America great white again.

I was stumped by the election of a man, by a party that extols family values and dragged Clinton over the coals for emails. To elect a man thrice married and cheating on each wife to the next, and in his recent recording it’s evident that he still fools around. I have no problem with someone who has married more than once, or care about what goes on in someone’s personal life/relationships  but the Republicans have always made that an issue , a standard to make or break a candidate.

He hasn’t paid taxes, but the lowly individual cowers in their beds if the IRS calls. He laughs at them.

He is caught on tape speaking about how he assaults women and is yet to apologize for his behavior. Let that sink in.

He lacks integrity.

He has no political experience.

No moral compass – extreme right always uses religion and morals as arguments. Trump has none. He is a proven liar, an opportunist,  a cheater and has used bankruptcy as a tool to not pay business associates. How does one reconcile his behavior with the morals?

Hillary has decades of public service, she is smart, she has shown that she has the temperament (and thick skin) to be a president. Trump is not a worthy adversary for her on any level. That is how sexist America is. I cannot understand any reason a  woman  would have to vote for Trump.

I don’t think when Trump decided to run for the presidency that he took it seriously. It fell in line with his attention seeking, personality – attention by any means necessary. And so I imagine him today hiding in his bathroom head in hand, afraid, saying, “What the fuck am I going to do now? This is real”.

Thursday

I want to know how many Americans actually voted. These numbers are approximate only and the latest at this time.

46.9% did not vote

25.6% voted for Clinton

25.5% voted for Trump

Clinton won the popular vote. She won.

Black women who voted, over 90% supported Clinton. Is it because we are the recipients/victims of both racist and sexist beliefs and behavior? Is it because we see a woman, strong, having endured a husband’s fidelity publicly, and countless attacks but remains committed to seeing a better America regardless of the bullies? She is a woman that has fought for the rights of children and families. Is it because we have had to fight for the same and be strong, that we relate to her strength?

Why is it that white women would vote for Trump, an outright misogynist, whose only interest in a woman is if she is fuckable, by his standards. And many of those who did vote for him, he would not want to grab their “pussy” and would publicly tell them how they didn’t meet his standard- and not in such diplomatic words.  The stats also say the majority of them were not college educated the majority of that demographic voted for Hillary.

The relief that came from the stats for me were that almost half  of  the American population did not vote. I’m not sure if these stats are the norm for these elections. The idea of not voting is a foreign concept to me , it is a right and privilege I do not take lightly as I know the lives that were fought and lost to have the option not to mention other examples around the world today . Anyhow, that’s for another discussion. As I was saying the relief that I get from these numbers is that the majority of White Americans are not actually racists, that you do not have to look at every White American sideways waiting for the racist gene to pounce and attack you whether verbally, physically or passively. Don’t get me wrong, of course not all Whites are racist, sexist or xenophobic, however, Trump was elected because racism and sexism were not deal breakers for many Whites and some White women – who voted and didn’t vote and the few, African American, Latinos and Jews who voted for him. If the ramifications do not affect you directly, likely you are not going to  think about it because you do not have to worry about your child or loved one – every time they leave your home – being attacked for their race, ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation.

I finally made it on to FB. A few have said they are grateful for living in Canada. However, it’s naive to think that we are not affected by the USA. I’ve heard politicians in the past agree with the racist campaigns across the border. As I contemplate this I see an article about Kellie Leitch a woman running for the conservative leadership in Canada, who is excited about the Trump campaign – she thinks it’s good for Canada.

I decided I would write her a letter because my say, my vote has power here. Yes, my one vote, which I take seriously.  I will let you know if she responds.

And then another about a judge in Hamilton, Ontario who wore the Trump cap to court the following day celebrating his victory. Grateful for the response from others calling for his resignation. I also hope they  review the cases he has presided over to see if there are any discrepancies on his sentencing practices and unfair bias. Click the following to read article. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/hamilton/trump-judge-apology-1.3852064

And why would I suggest this, because I was also sent this link about prison stock prices surging after a Trump win.  https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-11-09/private-prison-stocks-are-surging-after-trump-s-win

In case the above point is lost on you, it has been proven in the USA, that the sentencing and incarceration rates are not the same for Black, Whites and Latinos for the same crimes. As well that a couple of those in the judicial system and corrections have been arrested for making money from inmates  who were sent to prison. By the way this isn’t an unproven conspiracy theory – it is fact. 

Friday

I’m at the gym and CNN is on the TV, I cannot stomach the images of Trump. I look everywhere else.

Saturday

I take a break and try not to think about politics.

Sunday

I take a break

Still in disbelief.

Property owners want to rename the Trump tower in Toronto. I’m comforted to know that the owners /residents disagree with him and do not want to show any support for the Trump brand  that they go so far as to create a petition. On another note the Trump Tower in Toronto has been a “disaster” since breaking ground in 2007 with investors losing money.

Monday

My disbelief has turned to anger.

The Transition

Dec. 1

A few weeks have passed. I’ve gone from disbelief to anger. I’ve seen more videos and social media statuses filled with hatred and violence towards, Latinos, Muslims, and African Americans. On the other side, I’m also feeling some comfort as I see  people rallying against Trump, mostly Caucasians, and one lonely Texan cowboy-hat-wearing Justin Normand, standing outside of a Mosque in Texas with a sign telling Muslims to stand strong! People like him, give me hope in humanity and confirms not all white-cowboy-hat wearers are complicit in this. 

I’m also happy to see the mayor of Clay County, Beverly Whaling   and  Clay County Development Corporation’s then director Pamela Ramsey Taylor fired  or forced to resign. Pamela Taylor  made a statement on Facebook about the first lady Michelle Obama looking like an ape in heels and the mayor liked it also adding her two cents.

Click the following link to read the article https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/nov/15/michelle-obama-ape-in-heels-post-west-virginia-worker-fired

“David Barber, deputy director of the Shelby County Corrections Center in Memphis for the past 17 years, resigned after controversial FB posts. According to the Washington Post, one featured a picture of President Obama next to a man in a Ku Klux Klan mask and said “The KKK is more American than the illegal president.”

Another post, according to the Memphis Flyer, is about the Obama family claiming they had been discriminated against because they’re black. According to the newspaper, Barber commented, “Arrest convict hang and confiscate all assets.”  Washington Post

Click to see the article https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/11/16/a-tenn-jail-official-called-the-kkk-more-american-than-obama-now-hes-out-of-a-job/?utm_term=.0921406f0d97

These people felt comfortable posting because Trump elect has made it ok to say the unacceptable and show their racist beliefs. Glad they showed themselves and action was taken to get rid of them. So in a good way they are weeding themselves out of some very significant powerful  positions that affect peoples livelihoods…and lives, it’s scary to think this man was the deputy director of corrections. There should be an investigation into his work actions as it relates to inmates and treatment.

Trump has already tried to control the media! Albeit, he seems more concerned with his physical appearance  than what he stands for.  Smells of Putin. Speaking of Putin, they say that the  communication between Trump and Putin was a lot more than he admitted too while campaigning. Of course, we all know that. There are so many obvious wrongs here, but he is in power…is this how Hitler became the leader of the Nazi party?

A known alt-right white nationalist,  is Trump’s chosen  chief white house strategist and senior counselor.

Trump  reprimands the actor in the Broadway play Hamilton for speaking to Pence about what he hopes he will do when he becomes Vice President. Trump does nothing of the same to stop the white supremacists from their acts. Oh sorry, he did once on 60 minutes – he speaks to the camera saying stop. Where are his rants on Twitter telling them that their behaviour is reprehensible.  In fact, where is his tweet praising Justin Normand for his act of unity?

Trump is saying he is going to take himself out of the running of his business because of the conflict of interest. I can’t believe that anyone would believe that he will honestly do that. His administration is shaping up to be a racist, shady enterprise.

Trump with the help of Bannon are responsible for the normalization of hate in 2016. It’s ok to be a misogynist, a racist, anti-Semitic and sexist. You see the white nation believers , coming out  strong. I recently read an article that they want an equivalent to the NAACP, because if Blacks can have it then Whites should too. The level of stupidity is at an all time high,   their lack of knowledge and understanding , the ignorance is so profound. The NAACP was born out of the survival of Black people from  White racists,  and discrimination. Black power was born out of the need of the empowerment of a race of people who were degraded and beaten, not just physically, but mentally and psychologically. Black power has never been about beating down a race of people to oppression and submission. White power is – whether by fear (lynching), beating or segregation (separate and unequal). Ignorance is not bliss. Pick up a history book. Your stupid is showing.

Melania has decided she is going to wait to move into the White House. It’s said the cost is a million dollars per day. Hmmm, I wonder what FOX News is saying about this? I’m not sure because I cannot stomach the media outlet for the alt-right. What are the Trump followers thinking about this? If it were Michelle Obama all hell would break loose. The amount of money per day is likely more than the majority of them make in a life time. A public expense – their taxes are paying for this privilege, but what do they care, their vote was really about making America White again – not honesty, integrity or family values.

However my theory  on Melania not moving to the White House , is that she cannot stand the man she married and truly wants a divorce. The campaign trail probably showed his lack of character  and the probability of his cheating and therefore has brought another level of contempt towards him in her eyes.

The anger is finally dissipating. I’m finding ways to manage it and place my energy productively and effectively. I have downloaded the app, Boycott Trump. It lists the companies that are affiliated or support him. I will actively avoid those as far as my spending and support. I will write letters. I will make calls. Most of all I will not let the hate of ignorant people  consume my thoughts or steal my joy.

Lisa

Sexually Transmitted Infections 101

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By Stephen de Wit

What would happen if you were the “I” in STI?  As in “I have one!”  How would you feel?  How did you get it?  How do you tell other partners? What would you do?  Who would you tell?  Where would you go to get treatment?  These are just a few of the questions that I am sure would be racing through your head.  Oh the horror, the shame, the guilt… relax.

There is a huge stigma associated with STIs. Why?  Because STIs are associated with sex.  We have been taught to view sex in 3D’s – dangerous, degrading and dirty, so when you are diagnosed with an STI all that practise safe sex training comes back full force.

Think about it, equally debilitating/troublesome infections/diseases are not seen in the same light as STIs because they are not transmitted sexually.

In this article I will address the basic STIs and provide you a few helpful hints and tricks to keep your sex life healthy and humming.

First off let’s break down the most common STIs:

Gonorrhea – curable through antibiotics.

Chlamydia – curable through antibiotics.

Syphilis – curable through penicillin.

Herpes – there is no cure but there are anti-viral medications that help reduce the symptoms and speed the healing.

Genital warts (HPV) – there is no cure, although there are treatment options to remove the warts, from liquid nitrogen to Trichloroacetic acid.

Hepatitis A – usually clears up by itself and does not require treatment.  A preventative vaccine is available. Check with your doctor next time you are in to see if you have immunity.

Hepatitis B – there is no cure.  There is a preventative vaccine available.  Check with your doctor next time you are in to see if you have immunity.

Hepatitis C – it is treatable and treatment can help, up to 60 per cent of people get rid of the virus.  No vaccine is available.

HIV – there is no cure.  However, drug advances make it possible for people to live a long, healthy and productive life.  HIV is no longer the death sentence it was twenty years ago.  It is similar to having diabetes as regular blood tests are done (every three or six months to test your viral load) and drugs are taken daily.

Here are some important things to remember when thinking about STIs:

If you have had sex without a condom and you are concerned or the condom broke or slipped off, get to your nearest sexual health clinic or doctor.

The sooner you are diagnosed the better.  Do not wait to see if it goes away by itself, often the symptoms do disappear but you are still infected and can infect others. The longer you wait more complications may arise and it may be more difficult to treat.

Often you can be asymptomatic (showing no symptoms), however, you are still infected and can infect others.  Get checked.

It is important to note that none of the above infections bring an end to your sex life.  However, there may be a period of abstinence while the infection clears up and new ways you will have to learn to manage your sex life, safely.

You can have Gonorrhea and Chlamydia in your throat from unprotected oral sex, in your vagina from unprotected penis/vagina sex and an anal/rectal infection through unprotected anal sex.

Once you have contracted an STI and treated for it, you can be re-infected.

Sex toys can also carry STIs, if you do share them…simply put a condom on it!

If he says he always uses a condom with other partners, don’t be fooled.  Hate to burst your bubble but you are not that special.  If he is not using a condom with you, he is not using it with other people.

It is not the number of sexual partners that you’ve had but rather how you have sex with those partners.  If you are using a condom you are good to go.  Studies have been done to establish what would be more effective at reducing the rate of STI transmission, decreasing the number of partners or increasing the rate of condom usage. Guess what technique was more effective…you guessed it using condoms.

If you are located in the GTA or surrounding areas and want more information about STIs, I recommend the AIDS and Sexual Health Info Line 416-392-2437.  And if you are looking for a non-judgemental and sex positive sexual health clinic, I recommend the Hassle Free Clinic http://www.hasslefreeclinic.org/.

This article was created to provide you with some basic understanding surrounding STIs.  More to come in future articles, like you have tested positive for an STI how do you tell your partner? Yikes!   I will also explain how to assess sexual risk in your decision to practice safer sex.

Remember there is no right way. There is no wrong way.  There is just your way. And hey, it is OK.

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.