Archive

November 2016

Browsing

Be Careful with That Thing – You Wouldn’t Want to Break It

Grey’s Anatomy got this one right: a penis can actually be fractured. No. There is not an actual bone inside that boner, but the spongy tissue that fills with blood to harden the penis during erection and the more dense tissue surrounding these chambers (tunica albuginea) can become ruptured.

It is suffice to say that you’ll know if a penis is broken, but symptoms may include a loud snap, crackle and/or pop, bruising, loss of erection, intense pain and a bend or bump in the penis. Penile fracture can occur through blunt force or bending of an erect penis. Practically speaking, this could result from forceful impact against a harder object like a partner’s pelvic bone or perineum (the space between the anus and the penis/vulva).

According to the literature, partnered sexual activity only accounts for about one-third of all reported cases, but this is an injury that is likely underreported. Other causes include vigorous adjusting of the penis, trying to force down an erection, hasty removal/donning of clothing or a direct blow to the groin. The penis must be erect in order to break.

I do not offer medical advice, but penile fracture is considered a medical emergency and many doctors will recommend immediate surgical repair. Anecdotal evidence suggests that some people recover fully with a cold compress and other non-operative therapy, but this can result in physical and sexual complications. If you think you’ve broken a penis, seek immediate medical attention at your local emergency room and discuss your options with both your doctor and your penis.

The good news is that penile fracture is highly uncommon. Singles, couples and groups across the globe have lots of fun sex with penises without injury everyday. So keep enjoying safer, pleasurable sex and if your sexual activity includes penises, continue to stroke, squeeze, suck, pull, tickle, caress, thrust and play. Gymnastic-inspired sexual activity can be safe and exciting — just take precautions not to bend his boner.

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health.Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Sex: Better When Wet

If you’ve ever attended one of my workshops or educational seminars, you’ll know that one of the first rules of sex is lube, lube, lube! Along with an open mind and honest communication, lube is fundamental to both safety and pleasure. There is just so much more you can do in terms of stroking, pulsing, squeezing, twisting, rubbing and kissing when you’re both nice and wet.

Not only does lube decrease the risk of condom breakage, but research indicates that women who use lube report higher levels of sexual pleasure. A study of 2,453 women found that the use of water-based and silicone-based lubricants significantly increased sexual satisfaction and decreased the occurrence of undesirable genital symptoms including pain and discomfort.

Though some people have expressed that using lube feels clinical or detracts from the sexual experience, once you give it a try you’ll quickly realize that it can actually heighten your sexual response. Even putting it on can be hot and exciting, so experiment with different modes of application:

  • Rub it all over your breasts as you look into your partner’s eyes and then rub your slippery boobies all over your partner’s sweet spots.
  • Sensually apply lube to your lips and then use your wet lips to spread it all over your partner’s genitals.
  • Use a soft paint brush or make-up brush to apply to all of your hot zones.
  • Put some lube in the palm of your hand and make a fist allowing the drops to slowly drip all over your thighs or your partner’s groin.
  • Apply flavoured lube generously and then sensually lick off some of the excess.
  • Refrigerate your favourite lube for a few hours and play with the cool tingle in your mouth while you go down on your partner. Alternate with a sip of hot water or tea to play with temperature and keep your partner guessing.
  • Rub your hands together and use your breath to warm the lube before stroking your partner.
  • Tease a little! Use lube to trace a slow line or circle around a hot spot without directly touching the erogenous zone to draw blood and awareness to the area. You can use a finger or two for this technique or you can get more creative with your tongue, lips, nipples or breath.

Remember that only water and silicone-based lubes are condom safe and there are a ton of great brands with subtle flavours and scents on the market. You can even pick up vegan, organic and eco-friendly varieties, so have fun experimenting, tasting and getting wet!

Until next time, have fun, expand your horizons and always practice safer sex.

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

In the Bedroom: Kink It Up

By: Stephen de Wit

“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, screaming ‘HOLY CRAP what a ride!’”  George Carlin

“Dance like no one is watching. Love like you’ll never be hurt. Sing like no one is listening. Live like it is heaven on earth.” William Purkey

These are just two of the thousands of motivational quotes out there that people read and think “hey yeah, that makes sense.”  But why don’t we think of our sex lives like that?  For many of us, sex becomes a pattern or habit that with time becomes a chore and loses its erotic charge.  Even the most impassioned sex after a year or two of the same thing gets boring.   So what do you do?  Kink it up!  However, the word kink strikes fear into many people’s hearts.  That is stuff that those weird people do and you certainly are not weird…or are you?  It is all in the perception.  If you were in a room with two other people talking about sex, you would think that you were erotic, one of the other people was kinky and the third person … well they are just perverted.  However, the catch lies in your point of view because if I asked one of the other people you were in the room with they would think of themselves as erotic, the other person as kinky and maybe even you as perverted.  Imagine that.

Kink is whatever you make it.  It does not have to involve dressing up, a sex swing and a riding crop (whip).  Kink can be dirty talking, toys, tickling or touching, bouncing, ben wa balls, bras or bee stings.  Yes, I said bee stings.  So you may be reading and thinking great but “what does kink have to do with it?”  Well the answer is everything!  To keep your sex life active and exciting I encourage you to take a risk and introduce something new to your sexual repertoire.   Every single one of us (myself included) has a little part of our brain that has a cage around our sexual desires, fantasies and curiosities.  We are afraid if we let them out what will people say about us. I was told that was wrong, bad, dirty etc. etc. if I do that.  Well, it is time to shake off those shackles! (unless you want them on – in a good way…more on bondage in another article).

It is important to realize that we all evolve sexually.  What turns you on and gets you hot today will be different in a year, two, five, ten years.  Wouldn’t it be great to develop a comfort level with yourself so you would be able to communicate your newly evolved sexual kink?  But how do you do it?  There are three steps that I recommend to people:

1) Hang up your hang ups

2) Trust yourself

3) Go easy

First step: hang up your hang ups. When looking at things that you want to explore and expand your sexual experience I invite you to  suspend your judgments and preconceived notions.  Just observe in an objective state.  What would that look like, how would I do that, whom would I share this experience with and how would it make me feel?

Trust yourself. You know yourself better than anyone else.  You know your rational, motivation and justification for everything that you do.  Spend some time with your sexual self.  The way you choose to express yourself sexually does not make you a bad person.  I guarantee, whatever it is that you are thinking that you would like to try there are tens of thousands of people who dig the same thing!  Go online and you will find a support group.

Go Easy. There is no need to go full out when exploring things sexually.  Take small steps; break a fantasy down into easier steps.  Maybe not full out suspension bondage but maybe holding down your partners hands to start.

And now the million dollar question, how do I bring this up with my partner(s).  I invite you to check out this list, there are 388 items on it. Some you will not know what they are, some of them will frighten you, and some will disgust you.  That is alright, remember, there is no right or wrong way, just your way and that is OK.  Share this list with your partner and take a look together. Then have a discussion with the three ground rules above as guidelines to create a safe space to discuss.  And then let your imagination run free.

Dr. Alfred Kinsey wrote, “The only unusual sex act is the one that you cannot perform.”  To which I would like to add: have sex like no one cares what you do, scream like no one is listening, experiment like there is no tomorrow, and when you are lying there breathless afterwards whisper …wow, what a ride!

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

How to Find the World’s Best Lover

By Stephen de Wit

With this article I am planning on single-handedly dismantling the story lines of many a blockbuster movie and the plots of many books.  The way to find the world’s best lover is…are you ready?  By a show of hands who wants to find the world’ best lover?  Yes, I am serious. Raise your hand.  It’s you!  That’s it! You found her!

For centuries women have gushed over men with whom they have had great sexual connection.  I hear things like “he made me cum”, “he gave me so many orgasms”, “he is the best lover I have ever had”.  Wrong.  You are in control, you made yourself cum, you shared your orgasm with him, you allowed yourself to connect with a lover on a sexual level.  I always laugh at the line “he gave me an orgasm”.  If I could give orgasms I would wrap them up and give them out as gifts to all the women I know.  Think about it if men are giving you the orgasm then whose orgasm is it?

It is time for you to take control and ownership for your body, your sexuality your orgasms and I guarantee you will have found the worlds’ best lover.  First, learn about your body, touch yourself, pleasure yourself…yes touch your crotch find out what feels good, what feels great and what feels not so good.  Do this by yourself. It is easy to associate newly found good feelings with the person who happens to be there when they occur.  This then leads to giving the power to the other person.  Wrong.  You have the power.

Each woman is different, there is no one technique, position, trick, toy, lube, location, scent, word, or taste that works all the time for all women.  So it is your responsibility to find out what works for you.  And then educate the lovers in your life.  I often come across women who say I don’t want to tell him what to do I just want him to know. Seriously, when else would you take this approach in life?  Finding a job, buying a car, decorating a room?  Uhh, I am not going to be clear about what I want in a job, not going to tell the sales person what kind of car and features I like and not going to tell the interior decorator what colour scheme I like.  So you end up working as a professional pooper scooper, driving a 1972 Pinto and living in a Zebra painted room (no offence if you are a Pinto driving pooper scooper who lives in the zoo).  The myth that sex should come naturally and to show and teach someone how to do something is unromantic, ruins the moment, is too clinical and calculating is false.  Asking questions, being open about uncertainty, explaining and teaching can be an intimate and pleasurable part of your sex and ultimately will lead to better sex. Men need help.  We need direction!  Please give it to us.

As a child growing up you may have received negative messages about pleasuring yourself i.e. “good girls don’t do that”, “don’t touch yourself down there”, “that is dirty”.  So it is no wonder that women have difficulty connecting sexually with themselves which is the first part and second communicating that to partners. My question to you is do you want to be a “good girl” or do you want to be a woman who knows what she wants and be sexually confident.  Take care of “down there” and you and your lovers will be thankful.

Remember we are all experts in our own experience.  You are your own best lover.  There is no right way, there is no wrong way.  There is just your way and it’s ok.   Take the time to figure out your way and then share it!

Stephen de Wit

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

Calcium: Are You Getting Enough?

Calcium is the mineral most likely to be deficient in the average diet. It is the chief supportive element in bones and teeth. Calcium salts make up about 70 percent of bone weight and give your bones its strength and rigidity.

About 99 percent of the calcium in the human body is held in the bones and teeth. The remaining one percent of calcium circulates in the bloodstream, where it performs a variety of important functions:

  • It helps to contract muscles and helps regulate the contractions of the heart.
  • It plays a role in the transmission of nerve impulses and in blood clotting.
  • It is involved in the stimulation of contractions of the uterus during childbirth and in milk production.
  • It also regulates the secretion of various hormones and aids in the functioning of various enzymes within the body.
  • These regulatory mechanisms help prevent a deficiency in calcium from developing in the bloodstream.

This mineral is a major contributing factor to the prevention of bone density loss and osteoporosis (disease characterized by low bone mass and deterioration of bone tissue).

Calcium Deficiency

Calcium deficiency can lead to the following problems:

aching joints, brittle nails, eczema, elevated blood cholesterol, heart palpitations, hypertension, insomnia, muscle cramps, nervousness, numbness in the arms and/or legs, a pasty complexion, rheumatoid arthritis, rickets, tooth decay and also associated with cognitive impairment, depression and hyperactivity.

Calcium Sources

Now I’m sure your asking yourself, where do I get calcium? Luckily calcium is found in an abundance of different foods. Here are some of the very best sources of this essential mineral: milk, yogurt, cheese, tofu, soybeans, nuts (almonds highest), seeds (salba/chia highest), sardines and salmon with the bones, fortified rice or soy beverage, turnip greens, okra, bok choy, kale, broccoli, blackstrap molasses and figs.

Crystal Mortley, R.N.C.P, is a registered nutritionist with 13 years of experience in the health food industry.  Her goal is to cut through the myths and confusion surrounding nutrition by providing people with the proper tools to make healthier decisions.  She has worked with numerous clients helping to educate them on the importance of proper eating habits and food choices.

Boobies 101

Breasts! Also referred to as ta tas, love pillows, boobies, titties and melons, breasts are often at the forefront of sex play and are lovely, beautiful parts of the female body.

We hear a lot about breast health and the importance of checking them regularly as part of the breast cancer screening process and this message is of paramount importance, so please do be sure to check your breasts.

There is, however, a lot more to our mammary glands than health and cancer prevention alone. Here are a few fun breast facts:

•   Size doesn’t matter when it comes to sexual pleasure. Breasts come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colours and even textures and while women’s breasts seem to be growing (likely due to body weight increases), breast size does not impact a woman’s experience of physical pleasure. One factor that does seem to influence sensitivity and pleasure is the menstrual cycle and fluctuating

hormone levels with many women reporting greater sensitivity during ovulation and less sensitivity during the first two weeks of their cycle.

•   Breasts get bigger when touched — sometimes. While size may not matter, it is good to know that breast size can fluctuate with hormonal changes, weight loss/gain and arousal. During the sexual response cycle, women’s breasts can increase in size due to swelling and the response of erectile tissue, but this size increase is only temporary.

•   The nipples aren’t the only sensitive part of the breast. Yes. I’ve heard many-a-man proclaim that the nipple is the breast, but it really only is one small (or not-so-small) part of the very erogenous breast. Research actually suggests that women describe the area directly above the areola as the most sensitive to sexual touch. Check it out!

•   No two breasts are the same. That’s right. There are always differences between the right and left breast and for some reason, the left breast tends to be slightly bigger than the right.

•   Both men and women stare at breasts. Yup! Nearly half of men admit that the first thing they notice about a woman is her breasts and a UK-based study found that a whopping 90 percent of women check out other women’s chests several times daily!

•   Breast play can lead to orgasms. Touching and kissing the breasts can result in the release of oxytocin, the pleasure hormone associated with bonding, arousal, orgasm and uterine contractions.

Like all things sexual, breast orgasms are not a circus trick and while orgasmic response ultimately originates in the brain, getting creative with breast play may have some potentially climactic results.

Bear in mind that since no two breasts are alike, every woman will enjoy different degrees of pressure and touch. Some may love a powerful grab while others may not enjoy skin-to-skin contact and since there really is no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex, the only way to know what your partner likes is to ask. From hard biting to gentle teasing through a thick sweater and everything in between, the breasts are just one region of your full-body canvas, so love them, enjoy them and be sure to take care of them for both your health and pleasure.

Until next time, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex.

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Oral Pleasure: 10 Tips to “Blow” His Mind

The life of a sexologist is an exciting one! I know –hard to believe, right? And among the many fun and interesting projects I contribute to on a daily basis, hosting workshops on sexual pleasure is one of my favourite parts of the job. I love the energy, anticipation and insightful questions participants bring to the session and I always learn something new from each group.

Many people wonder what types of techniques we cover (and practice!) in a typical Blow His Mind Session, so I thought I’d share a few tips that may just keep him coming back for more.

Before we get started, we need to remember that no two men are the same (thank goodness!) and accordingly, no two penises, balls or prostates are identical in their sexual response. Even those men who know exactly what brings them to the height of ecstasy admit that their needs change over time. Mood, diet, time elapsed since last sexual encounter, stress, energy levels and a host of other factors influence what feels good during any sexual encounter. So the techniques outlined below are merely suggestions and certainly not a recipe for the perfect blow job. Play with them, have fun and ask your partner for feedback to find out what he loves and what he can do without.

Here are just a few tips to get you started:

  • Consider massaging his thighs and lower abdomen and allowing your hands, chest, lips and breath to gently brush against his penis and balls before diving in. Resist the urge to grab right away!
  • Use tons of lube. Your saliva is great, but it may not last as long as a water-based lube. If you want to simulate other types of penetration (vaginal, anal, etc.) using your mouth, you’ll need lots of lube to “trick” his dick.
  • Tease his penis and balls with your tongue (no lip-contact) as you get him worked up. Try drawing a sensual “W” along the base or a “V’ against the head/glans.
  • Rub lube all over your breasts (or another body part you love) and rub them all over his shaft until it’s soaked.
  • The Harmonica: Run your lips and tongue up and down the underside of his penis while holding it flat against his lower abdomen with the pressure of your lips.
  • Use your hands and fingers as an extension of your lips and mouth. You can elongate your mouth by creating an okay-sign with your super-lubed index finger and thumb and placing it in against your lips. As you move up and down the shaft of his penis, you should be able to move deeper and he shouldn’t be able to differentiate between your hands and mouth. Add more fingers as desired.
  • Cock Ring: Form an okay sign with your index finger and thumb and squeeze tightly at the base of his penis and you tightly seal your lips around and move them slowly from base to tip. Draw several “S’s” with your tongue as you move up and down and rotate your head to apply varied pressure.
  • Cover your upper teeth with your upper lip and cover your lower teeth with your tongue. This should give you a nice tight grip so you can suck away!
  • Throat Kegels: Move your lips toward the base of his penis and when you reach your deepest point, swallow slowly and intensely several times. As you swallow, you can apply pulsing pressure to simulate or intensify orgasmic contractions.
  • Don’t forget to use your lubed hands throughout the experience to play with his balls, thighs and perineum. The perineum is the space between his butt hole and scrotum and pressure on this area can stimulate the internal bulb of the penis as well as the prostate.

As he approaches orgasm, you might want to pay attention to the lower few inches of his shaft using constant pressure and rhythmic stroking and sucking. And don’t be afraid to get a bit loud and messy. Let him know that you like it and encourage him to give you feedback and show appreciation for all your hard, sexy work.

These are just a few techniques among an infinite number of pleasurable possibilities. What are your go-to moves?

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health.Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Three’s a Crowd : Or is it?

By Stephen de Wit

I hear it over and over.  Why does my partner want to have a threesome with me and another woman?  My answer is always I do not know what your partner’s motivation is, there could be a thousand different reasons.  The important question to ask is what do you think about having sex with another woman (or man for that matter) and your partner and more importantly what is your answer?  Here are a couple of things that are important to take into consideration when toying with the idea.

First there are different what I call “levels” of sexual interaction when multiple people are involved.

1). Voyeurism – this is watching another person(s) being sexual

2). Exhibitionism – this is acting sexual in front of others

3). Threesomes – shared touch/sex with one person outside the primary couple

4). Moresomes (group sex) – sex with more than three people

5). Fantasy Swinging – using the idea of multiple partners as a fantasy, not acted upon

Find what you are comfortable with even thinking about.  Remember this is about you being honest with yourself,  what turns you on and why (see previous article Sex Negotiation 101).  Take small steps to test the waters so to speak before diving into bed with two or more people.  Try fantasizing about it when pleasuring yourself or while having sex with your partner.  Then maybe watch a video where there are three people in play.  If this is something you are curious about, give yourself some time to process exactly what turns you on and what you want to explore.

Let’s jump right into bed with a third partner… how do you do it?  There are a several things to keep in mind.  As men we have been conditioned that one night we are going to go to a bar and two smoking hot bisexual women are going to approach us and invite us back to their hotel room and have crazy sex all night….. and possibly make a video of it.  The reality is that is not how things usually work out (not to say that has never happened wink wink).  So you have to be the well informed and educated one (from reading this article of course).

There are three major areas to consider.  One, who this person is going to be?  Two, who is going to be doing what to whom and when?  Three, conversations about how this may impact your relationship.

When selecting a person ask the questions.  Why this person?  What would their reaction be?  How much say do they have in what takes place?  Where do we find this person?  How do we bring this up?  Will they respect our privacy?  Would they become attached to one of us? Keep the questions going, the more thought you give to this ahead of time the less questions and confusion there will be later.

The second thing to think about is who is going to be doing what to whom and when.  The glorious thing about adding another partner into your sexual arena is that the combinations of positions multiply exponentially.  Ask yourself what are you comfortable with doing and seeing.  Again this is where watching porn can be beneficial in visualizing what may transpire and your comfort level with it.  Develop some really clear guidelines and some hard (not to be crossed) and soft (flexible) rules.  Establish safety words that communicate comfort level and a kill word that stops “play” so everyone knows what is going on.  Remember you always have the power to say no and stop anything that you are not comfortable with at any time.

The last and possibly most important thing to discuss is how this experience could potentially impact your relationship.  Topics to cover are jealousy, loyalty, trust and disease.  Oh yeah, I said it disease. Always practice safer sex when playing with multiple partners and have open discussions about the dreaded “D”, it is part of playing responsibly.  Set some time aside the next day to discuss how you felt about the experience, what did work and what did not work and where you want to go from there.  Always remember there is no right way, there is no wrong way.  There is just your way and hey…it’s ok.  Now go out and play, with one, two, three, four or more.

Stephen de Wit

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com.

Sex: How Long Should You Hold Out?

What a great question! But the only person who can really provide an answer is you. If you feel ready, willing and prepared and have taken some time to consider how you feel, then you may very well be ready. If you feel unsure of your preparedness, then you should probably wait until you feel more comfortable.

I wish I could tell you that 5.6 dates or 904 minutes of dating-time means that you’re ready to hop in the sack, but the reality is that every person and every situation is unique. It shouldn’t matter what everyone else is doing (forget about that so-called third date rule), because your body is your own and you have to choose to do (or not do) as you feel fit.

As a sexologist, I advocate for sexual rights, health, education and pleasure and spending a lot of time talking about the many upsides of sexual activity. I also provide education to reduce the potential risks associated with sex and embracing a sex-positive approach. This in no way means that I think all sex is wonderful. I also don’t believe that people should be having more sex or that they need to make sex a greater priority — unless they want to. Sexuality is so incredibly subjective and personal and only you can decide what works for you.

My goal is to provide clients with accurate information and help them feel empowered to make decisions they feel good about based on their own values and conceptions of sex.  My clients range from those who opt to abstain from partnered sex altogether to those who live in healthy open relationships with multiple partners. My job is to support them in a way that respects their varied sexual beliefs and values. It is never a one-size-fits-all approach.

Having said that, I’ll offer a non-exhaustive list of questions you might want to consider before you have sex:

•  Have you talked about your sexual feelings, values, interests and limitations? I believe that it is important to be able to talk about sex beforehand.

•  Do you have the tools you need (condoms, dental dams, lube, contraception, etc.) to practice safer sex? Have you talked about safer sex with your partner?

•  Do you want to have sex? If so, why do you want to do so?

•  Do you feel comfortable and relaxed with your partner?

•  Do you trust your partner?

•  Do you respect your partner? Does your partner respect you?

•  What are your expectations with regard to sexual pleasure, expression and communication? Are you prepared to talk about these issues with your partner?

•  Have you considered the emotional elements of engaging in partnered sex? Have you considered that your emotional reactions may be different than your partner’s?

•  Have you considered religious or personal values that may impact your experience of sex?

•  Do you accept that sex can change relationships in both positive and negative ways?

These are just a few questions to get you started. I realize that we don’t always go through a checklist before every sexual encounter, but spending some time thinking about what motivates us can produce positive outcomes.

Note that you should never feel pressure to have sex. If you feel pressured by your partner, peers or perceived cultural expectations, this will not only detract from the experience and increase the risk of negative outcomes, but it is likely an indication that you should wait.

As always, have fun, experiment and always practice safer sex. And remember that you don’t always need a partner to get down and get frisky!

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Sex Negotiations 201

By Stephen de Wit

If you have read the Sex Negotiations – 101 article you are half way there.  Now the second and for some people the most challenging part: How to communicate with your partner, well let me correct that, how to communicate well about sex with your partner.  We are in a constant state of communication, through body language, silence, moans, grunts, screams, arguments and disagreements when it comes to sex but how do we have caring, respectful conversations about sex? Read on.

Well here we go again, back to grade five.  Honesty, respect and safety are the corners of what I call the “triangle of trust” when it comes to communicating about sex.  Because when you boil things down, at the end of the day it comes down to trust.  The parameters of trust that you build around your sexual relationship can be as wild and diverse as your imagination and comfort level permit.  You can create the sexual relationship of your fantasy.  Believe me, I have and helped others to do just that.

Honesty

So first off, honesty, now because you have read the previous article and done the self-work you are now comfortable and confident in what you want and why you want it.  Now just tell you partner what you want!  Ha! It’s never that easy.  One of the pitfalls that I have experienced both personally and professionally is when women say what they do not want rather than what they do want. Take a second, how many times have you said, “I don’t want anything serious” or “I am not ready for a relationship right now” or “I don’t like that”?  This is all very confusing for a guy.  Tell us what you do want, tell us what you are ready for, and tell us what you like.  As a guy, if we don’t get that information we tend to fill in the blanks with what we think you are saying.  And that as you well know causes problems.

Assume: makes and “ass” out of “u” and “me

Sure there are assumptions that can be made from these comments but when it comes to communicating well about sex do not assume anything.  As my English teacher once said don’t assume anything because it will make an “ass” out of “u” and “me” to what I will then add: no body gets any “ass” and I want you to get as much “ass” as you want.  So say, “I really enjoy our sexual connection and I would like to continue that and I would like………” or “I want……and what I am picking up from you is that you want ………” I think it is important that we talk so we can create an understanding and something that works for both of us.” This takes courage and practice.  If someone makes you feel wrong for what you want sexually that is a pretty good indication that there is a lack of sexual compatibility. Remember there is no right way, no wrong way, just your way and hey it’s ok!

Respect

The second corner of the triangle is respect.  Respect the reaction (immediate) and response (delayed) you may receive.  Mentally prepare for them, write them down.  Best case scenario and worst case scenario and everything in between.  Respect that this may be a difficult discussion for your partner they have not done the personal preparation that you have done.  They may need time, space or something else.  Ask for what they need to process this information and give it to them.

Safe sex

The third corner of the triangle is safety and a crucial component of any sexual relationship.  First is the physical component.  Have the awkward sometimes buzz killing conversation about what your expectations are about safe sex.  Do not compromise!  If someone it trying to convince you other wise: walk away.  As awkward, uncomfortable and difficult as that may be it is far easier doing that then dealing with a wicked case of gonorrhea or syphilis or an unwanted pregnancy.  Safety on the other side of the coin, goes for your partner as well and creating a safe space for them to share with you.  Saying things like “It is really important that I understand what your thoughts are, feelings are etc. on this.”  Can go a long way in giving permission for your partner to share and feel safe.

So go forth and multiply your sex conversations keeping in mind that trust is at the core of it all and working on honesty, respect and safety will help you build that foundation of trust.

Stephen de Wit

Stephen de Wit

Dr. Stephen de Wit is a Toronto sexologist and sexual communications coach. Stephen is on a one man mission to ensure that everyone lives the sexually empowered existence they want.  He has completed his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and focuses his energy on keynotes, workshops, seminars, writing and media appearances always with a fun, interactive, high impact approach.  For more information visit www.drdewit.com